Written by Char Groen

To even pen the words of this title is a stark reality of a past that could easily stir feelings of shame, condemnation, guilt and pain. It is sobering to think that I would stoop to such a state of desperation, for what? Belonging? Love? Acceptance? Nothing could be further from the truth. It was a trap of seduction that took me further than I ever expected and caused more pain and brokenness then I ever thought imaginable.

How did this happen? Why did I let this happen? I knew better!!! Too much to drink and being in the wrong place with the wrong person…a recipe for disaster. A door opened that would profoundly affect my life.

I was aware of what was happening but felt paralyzed to do anything. I found myself wrapped in the arms of a man, a married man. In my mind, I was a little girl, curled up just wanting to be held, to be loved. Just hold me!!! Just love me!!! This was not what I wanted or expected and was much more than I ever bargained for.

The next morning I felt numb!! Did that really happen? I now had to face what happened, no longer with the effects of alcohol to dull my senses. I felt physically sick and a wave of shame and guilt hit me. I tried to put it out of my mind but there was no escaping.

What do I do now?

My insecurity and self-hatred went to a new depth with the addition of shame, guilt and self-condemnation.

I was silenced and numb. I had become a hypocrite, as this was completely contrary to my faith and what I frequently voiced.

Our paths crossed again and we found ourselves stumbling over excuses and regrets. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. A pattern of secrecy, deception, scheming and lying to meet became a part of my existence.

I became a master at living a dual life. One where I looked the part of having it all together, ‘walking’ in my faith and being happy and on the other hand, a dark secret was eating away at my very being. It was all a lie.

I would cry out to God asking for forgiveness and then go right back to it. I felt like a dog returning to its vomit. Why? Why was I doing this? Why didn’t I walk away? I was tormented!! I cried!! I wept!!! I promised myself…no more!!! It had to stop!!!!

What if I got caught? What if I got pregnant? What about all the people involved and how it affected them? The stress and anxiety increased to a point where I was heading for a nervous breakdown.

I became adept at wearing masks to give people quite a different impression of what was really happening but I was dying on the inside, and aching for freedom.

Who could I talk to? Shame and guilt kept me silent. I was a failure and a phony!!! ? The fear of rejection or judgment from people if they only knew was daunting. To face the person in the mirror was too much.

I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I was desperate; I was hopeless, depressed and broken. Was there any hope for me? Whatever was happening in me and whatever it was that drove me to this place, could it change?

God, help me!!!!

I couldn’t walk away!!!!

I felt like a slave with no escape!!!

I needed to tell someone…

In my next blog, I Was the Other Woman (Part 2), I will share about my journey to freedom and healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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